This past weekend while
getting wasted celebrating America’s birthday, we gots to thinking about our first experiences with this great land as children. And great experiences they were (for us, not the Americans who had to put up with our nonsense).
Here are the top 10 memories we know you can relate to:
1) Taking trips around the neighborhood to find disposed of furniture / electronics that would be used to furnish your home sweet home. Did bed bugs even exist back then? Not to us!
2) Getting your hair
butchered styled by “Alla”, the lady who lived downstairs. Price of haircut: $5. Price of therapy due to side effects of said haircut… TBD … we’ll send you the bill in 2020, when we finally recover.
3) Skipping forward a grade because you could successfully add 2 + 2.
4) Being sent to ESL because even though you could successfully add 2 + 2, you were unable to communicate the results with the rest of your English speaking amigos.
5) Being 9 years old but associating mainly with 15 year olds because you were all in the same ESL class. This made you
smoke cigarettes in the bathroom mature for your age.
6) Your mom forcing you to wear layers. Way too many of them. In the winter. And Fall, and Spring, and Summer.
7) Holding on for dear life as the door of your parent’s 79′ Chevrolet flung open on a wide turn. Considering the car was 20 years old and purchased for $700, it was doing much better than expected.
8) Learning that the most useful word in the classroom was “CanIgotothebathroomplease” — it was one very long word.
9) Discovering that your last name was actually an English curse word / private part.
10) Dying to try McDonalds and getting food poisoning when you finally did. Then prominently displaying the toy you got with your happy meal in your bedroom as the trophy showing that you actually went.
PS: In case you were wondering, this is what RA Jr. pretty much looked like after her appointment with “Alla”: