If Kate Middleton was Katya Middlevitch

by RA Jr. on May 3, 2011

When we woke up last Friday morning, we hopped, skipped, and jumped  straight to our computers. This time it wasn’t to check our traffic through Google Analytics, but rather to stalk the crap out of Kate Middleton’s dress and the rest of the royal wedding affair.  Those two crazy kids oozed with joy and classiness on their special day. We were toterly happy for them.

But after watching all the nauseating classiness, we gots to thinking: what if Kate Middleton had not been Kate Middleton. What if Kate Middleton was instead a Russian bride who went by the name of Katya Middlevitch… what would the wedding have been like then? WHAT WOULD THE WORLD HAVE BEEN LIKE THEN!?!?!?!???!!!!!!??????!!

If you too pondered the same question, ponder no more, because here is what THAT wedding would have been like:

It all starts with the grand entrance. Katya arrives in her version of a horse and carriage: a stretch limo. Hold on… let us clarify. A stretch HUMMER limo. But her dress would be the real show stopper. You see, lace is nice, but glitter is nicer.

The topper of this show stopper is, of course, the veil. It will sparkle. It will shine. It will be the size of a SMALL CHILD!

Nobody puts this veil in the corner.

But enough about Katya. The guests are what really make this wedding. Instead of the customary hats,  we have customary cigarettes in hand. What brand are YOU smoking?

But who can pay attention during the ceremony when the bridesmaids look this fiiiiine?

Everyone will, however, be in awe when the caviar filled crepes arrive. Just kidding, sillies: there’ll be so much caviar and other fancy crustaceans you’ll be like a fishy swimming upstream trying to escape .

And escape you will. By taking a nose dive straight into the Vodka…

…which will lead to 6874 speeches filled with love and drunken stupor well wishes to be made. These well wishes will inevitably include subtly inappropriate remarks where you will learn that Prince William is a stud in bed.

There will also be a slide show montage featuring pictures of William and Katya’s most precious childhood moments. And when the teenage pictures come on, things will get awkward. And then you will feel awkward watching them. And then you will want to stab your eye out with a fork.

And just when you think this whole traumatic experience is coming to an end,  a video of William and Katya acting out in pure soap opera style how they met and how their love progressed begins to play. At that point you will regurgitate some of that delicious caviar.

All in all, this wedding would have rocked everyone’s socks and we secretly… err or not so secretly wished it had really happened. Oh well. Maybe next time.


Ps: Don’t forget to like us on zee Facebook where more awes0meness takes place.

*thanks to Anshie for help on some of the pics!



{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Guest May 5, 2011 at 9:16 pm



Barkingspider7 August 25, 2011 at 6:09 pm

This was so funny – thank you for making me laugh!


The GSB April 19, 2012 at 2:34 pm

OMG I am so glad I came across this vintage gem! And those chocolate creamsicle bridesmaids make me wish that the whole Brighton Beach: Are You The Novaya Situatziya? thing went along as planned… I am also glad that there were only 6 Russians at my wedding…and none of them gave speeches!


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