Food, Google and Oogle

by RA Jr. on January 9, 2013

“But I don’t want to go to Google!” says Zoya, Alla’s adorable 4 year old daughter.

What could be so bad about going to Google, you ask? Well, it’s not Google she’s afraid of. No — what she’s actually afraid of is “oogle” (the corner) – the place you’re forced to go when you misbehave … or if you were me and had my parents, the place you were sent to finish your food.

Food these days is delightful. It’s warm, crunchy, chewy, and full of goodness. When I was 7, however, it was a whole different story. You see, me and food didn’t get along back then… unless it was sweet and un-nutritious. Which it rarely was. Instead, it was typically borcht. Or grechnivaya kasha. Yuck.

And what this meant was that I was going on hunger strikes nightly, refusing to eat my food. I was at war! With my dinner! It was out to get me and I was out to get it back. This, of course, was not met with enthusiasm and I would immediately face resistance from the authorities, aka my parents, and would be sent to the oogle, plate in hand, to finish my food.

If other dissidents joined in (aka my sister), shit would get real: one of us would be sent to the bathroom to serve our sentence (due to lack of space). Now, you might be thinking to yourself, what? The BATHROOM? To eat? That’s real torture! But what you’re not taking into consideration here is all the opportunities the bathroom provided for crafty kids. For example: a toilet for food getting-rid-of and a seat to sit on while killing time in between flushes. It was the punishment cell you wanted to be in.

In either case,  the food in my plate would eventually be gone. Whether it ended up in my stomach or somewhere in the garbage beneath other previously thrown out items I cannot tell you — but you should be able to guess. I was happy it was done with and my parents relieved the bathroom was finally free.

Nowadays, most of my food ends up in my stomach, willingly. But, when little Zoya comes to eat dinner at my house, she may very well find herself in the oogle just like I did as a child if she refuses my food. My house, my rules ;)

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It’s now a few days past New Years, and your hangover is finally starting to subside. Congrats! You’re now ready to start making a goals list for another year ahead. And boy oh boy, what a year you hope it’ll be!

Since you’ve yet to write yours down, we thought we’d show you ours. In exchange, of course, you have to pinky swear to show us yours.

  • Graduate from college — we know, we know… you thought we had real jobs and stuff… but working at a medical office IS a real job and we’re still not sure what we want to major in. Maybe we’ll be lawyers…. no that’s boring… PHARMACISTS… no, that’s too much thinking… but really, we’ll get it sorted out this year.
  • Get back together with Alex or find an equally hot / sexy replacement — we know he’s in a relationship on Facebook with Inna… but whatever, she’s a $%^& and he only likes her because her dad’s a doctor.
  • Get fit — so we can start continue fitting into size 2 … we’ll be seeing you at Bally’s! Hot-Russian-Girls-Working-Out-912
  • Call babushka more often — we all love our babushkas, but how many times can they talk about the plays they put on at Dedskiy Sad?!?! And who the hell is Lena’s daughter’s cousin’s son anyways?!?!

just home

  • Take care of ourselves — make sure to wash our makeup off nightly, moisturize moisturize moisturize, and finally make that appointment for the lip liner tattoo…. putting on lip liner daily is just sooooo annoying.

And that’s our goals list for you. Will it be easy? No. Will it be rewarding? Certainly… especially the lip liner tattoo part. Now it’s your turn! Let us know what you aim to do with your year.

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Sale-ing into the holidays

by RA Jr. on December 24, 2012

The world is full of wonder, great and wide. There are mountains, moons, cars, ships, and tall sails…

And also small sails…

But most magical of all, is effed up sales that aren’t really sales at all:

sale1

Really now???!?!

Happy Holidays, and happy post holiday sale-ing to all!

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