How to shine this Spring

by RA Jr. on April 19, 2012

Spring is in the air, everywhere you look around.

And in addition to Spring, crystals are also in the air after you look at us wearing this:

Is it a bathing suit? Is it a loin cloth? Or is merely a mirage of clusterfucked crystals? We can’t be sure. But it shines and shimmies on and on…

Until you get to the nether regions. That’s when you’ll be reminded of Britney…

She’s a slave…for you. And so are we. Which is why we want to suggest that you too buy this bad boy and wear the crap out of it next time you’re performing. On stage or just in front of your very own Vladdick.

Vladdick can thank us later ;)

 

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Are you an American guy who has a fetish for Russian girls, but is not interested in going the mail-order-bride route? If so… one of us is now single! Just kidding.

But really, dating Russian girls can be tricky. Believe us, we’re Russian girls and we’ve scared our fair share of men along the way. Not intentionally, of course… because we’re sweet and shit, but casualties are bound to occur. There are, however, ways to come out unscathed and unharmed from your R&R (romance with a Russian). Mainly:

  • Impress her with your knowledge of the Russian language. Greet her properly with “Devushka, edi s’uda!” She’ll be sure to run straight into your bed arms.
  • Going shot for shot is a good way to win brownie points with her dad. Likewise, going katleta for katleta will work with her mom.
  • Don’t offer to join her on her next shopping trip. Instead, offer your cash, mastercard, debit card and life savings.
  • Never question what’s in her Louie bag.
  • Or what ingredients she used in that borscht. She’s not trying to poison you (unless you’ve been misbehaving).
  • Dress up as if you were going to a wedding any time you’re heading out to dinner with her family. While a tee shirt and jeans may be appropriate for an outing with yours, it will get you death stares with hers.
  • Weekend getaways to St. Tropez!  She secretly wishes she was with Timati, and not you, but don’t ruin the fantasy.
  • Stare at her chest whenever possible. She paid good money for those bad boys, and wants you to notice.
  • Don’t ask her if she’s ever seen a polar bear. The answer might be yes, but you don’t want to go there.
  • And finally, stock up on pointy shoes, hair gel, and techno music. You’ll need them.
So you see, a little R&R can be easily achieved if you follow these simple pointers. Now go get ’em, tigers. Rawr!

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Russian Moms on Wall Street: An In-Depth Look

by RA Jr. on March 29, 2012

It’s 12:10 pm on a Tuesday afternoon. You’re about to do some damage at the newly opened TJ Maxx on Wall Street when you see them…

Russian Moms. 

They’re nothing like the moms you’re used to seeing on TV. No… they’re so much more than that. So much more… efficient. A typical day looks something like this:

8:48 AM —  She comes into work and checks her inbox for emails from Zara, J.Crew and Century 21 while eating her home-made tvarog. That’s when she starts to plan the rest of her day, all centering around the most important activity: what store she will be going to during lunch. This all depends, of course, on which store is having the best promotion that day. “LULU BRAVO IS BACK” says Daffy’s — who the eff is Lulu Bravo? WHO CARES! It’s ITALIAN and it’s back so Daffy’s it is.

10:23 AM — Her meeting with her boss comes to an end so she heads back to her desk and dials her 22 year old daughter to check if A) she’s still alive from the last time they had spoken, B) if she’s eaten yet, and C) if her jacket is warm enough to get her through the day.

11:35 AM — This is when her mental clock start to tick and she begins to tie up any work related loose ends. She knows she must be ready to leave by 11:40 to beat the lunch time rush crowd at her retail store of choice.

12:04 PM — She meets her padrooga Lena in front of Century 21 where they devise a master plan to ensure they will get to all the good stuff before all the other Russian moms from around the area can. They start of with shoes, and then make their way to designer wear.

12:35 PM — The hunt is on. Is it Italian? Is it on sale? Is it designer? Bingo: White Valentino jeans for $75! Throw them right into the bin and bolt to checkout. It doesn’t get any better than that.

12:36 PM — She stands in line to check out and, wait, is that cashmere over there? By Versace? HALF OFF? “LENA PASMATRI TOODA! ETO SHTO VERSACE????”

12:45 PM — Walks out of Century satisfied with jeans and cashmere sweater in hand. #Winning.

12:59 PM — She slips back into her office unnoticed with the shopping bag stuffed into her over-sized purse so no one can suspect what it was she did at lunch.

6:36 PM — She comes home, changes into her domashnyaya odejda, and calls her dochka into the room to show her the goods. A victorious feeling impromptu fashion show ensues.

And that’s how it goes. All so she can show off in front of Tanya, her arch-nemesis, next time they’re at Paradise Baku Palace…

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