It’s 12:10 pm on a Tuesday afternoon. You’re about to do some damage at the newly opened TJ Maxx on Wall Street when you see them…
They’re nothing like the moms you’re used to seeing on TV. No… they’re so much more than that. So much more… efficient. A typical day looks something like this:
8:48 AM — She comes into work and checks her inbox for emails from Zara, J.Crew and Century 21 while eating her home-made tvarog. That’s when she starts to plan the rest of her day, all centering around the most important activity: what store she will be going to during lunch. This all depends, of course, on which store is having the best promotion that day. “LULU BRAVO IS BACK” says Daffy’s — who the eff is Lulu Bravo? WHO CARES! It’s ITALIAN and it’s back so Daffy’s it is.
10:23 AM — Her meeting with her boss comes to an end so she heads back to her desk and dials her 22 year old daughter to check if A) she’s still alive from the last time they had spoken, B) if she’s eaten yet, and C) if her jacket is warm enough to get her through the day.
11:35 AM — This is when her mental clock start to tick and she begins to tie up any work related loose ends. She knows she must be ready to leave by 11:40 to beat the lunch time rush crowd at her retail store of choice.
12:04 PM — She meets her padrooga Lena in front of Century 21 where they devise a master plan to ensure they will get to all the good stuff before all the other Russian moms from around the area can. They start of with shoes, and then make their way to designer wear.
12:35 PM — The hunt is on. Is it Italian? Is it on sale? Is it designer? Bingo: White Valentino jeans for $75! Throw them right into the bin and bolt to checkout. It doesn’t get any better than that.
12:36 PM — She stands in line to check out and, wait, is that cashmere over there? By Versace? HALF OFF? “LENA PASMATRI TOODA! ETO SHTO VERSACE????”
12:45 PM — Walks out of Century satisfied with jeans and cashmere sweater in hand. #Winning.
12:59 PM — She slips back into her office unnoticed with the shopping bag stuffed into her over-sized purse so no one can suspect what it was she did at lunch.
6:36 PM — She comes home, changes into her domashnyaya odejda, and calls her dochka into the room to show her the goods. A victorious feeling impromptu fashion show ensues.
And that’s how it goes. All so she can show off in front of Tanya, her arch-nemesis, next time they’re at
Paradise Baku Palace…