Everyone knows that you can’t truly call yourself a New Yorker unless you know your way around the subway system. And if you know us, you know that we hold hands and frolic all the way downtown during our daily morning commute. Just kidding…we only do that sometimes. But what we’re not kidding about is the fact that Russians are easily spotted on any train line and have thus created their own etiquette. In case you’re not yet a true New Yorker and wish to learn more about proper subway etiquette, see our handy dandy list below:
1) When train doors open, make sure you’re the first person to get inside. The train may look packed, but you know that there’s an empty seat hiding out somewhere and you just can’t risk anyone else getting to it before you do. Use all necessary force to club, claw, and push your way in — remember: it’s all worth it for the pleasure of potentially being able to sit for 2 whole train stops.
2) When sitting, make sure to stare at the crotch directly in your face. Sure it may we a bit uncomfortable for the person, or yourself for that matter, but where else are you going to look?
3) Give up your seat for no one. At all costs. Yes, there may be a 9 month pregnant woman in the wings who *looks* like she wants to sit down, but trust us, she’s only staring at you because she’s jealous of your Dior shades and not because she feels like she’s about to collapse. Go ahead and keep that seat. You deserve it.
4) The train is the perfect place to put on your make up, curl your eyelashes, and get a head start on that mani/ pedi. The people around you will really appreciate the free tutorial, trust us.
5) If you’re unlucky and don’t get a seat, whatever you do, do NOT touch the hand rails around you. They are filled with questionable germs and you will DIE if you come in direct contact! Or just feel uncomfortable for the first few seconds, which is pretty much the same thing.
If you end up losing balance because your subway surfing skills are sub-par, just make sure you fall into something soft, like the babushka eating semechki. And when you attain oligarch status, you can take cabs. We promise to follow up with cab etiquette in due time. Until then, just remember that a crowded train is no excuse for unlawful sexual conduct. Byeeee!